


By The Dying Embers

by resident_of_purgatory



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 16:33:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14217225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/resident_of_purgatory/pseuds/resident_of_purgatory
Summary: “What do I do when you leave?” Amanda blurted out.Martin stared at her in stunned confusion. “What... what do you mean, “when we leave”?”Amanda started to fidget and the feeling of panic started to overwhelm her. “Like... when you decide you don’t want me around anymore.”





	By The Dying Embers

Amanda stared at the ceiling of the Rowdy van, wide awake and listening to the snores of the Rowdies, and whatever weird noise the Beast managed to make whenever she slept. Finally giving up on her attempt to fall asleep, Amanda carefully untangled herself from the web of Rowdy limbs, grabbed her jacket, and quietly exited the van. She walked over to their makeshift fire pit, still slightly glowing from the embers, and sat down. She fished around in her jacket pockets for a lighter and a cigarette. Eventually succeeding in finding both after uncovering a vast amount of Vogel’s “gifts” (which were mostly just dead flowers or shiny rocks, one of which she was pretty sure was covered in blood), she lit her cigarette and leaned back with a sigh. Smoking would probably kill her someday, but for the moment it was the only thing reminding her to breathe. She sat there in silence, watching the embers slowly dying out, lost in thought.

She thought about Vogel, and all that they had been through together trying to get the boys out of Blackwing. She thought about Cross and how he was the first one to promise her that she didn’t have to be afraid of her disease anymore because they would be there for her to take the pain away. She thought about Gripps and how he always managed to calm her down no matter how bad her anxiety was, and how all it took were a few words from him and a fresh layer of nail polish for her to feel alright again. She thought about Martin, and how much she cared about him, and all of the things that had happened between them since Wendimoor. She thought about the goodnight kisses between the two of them and quiet moments they had when the other Rowdies were off adventuring and how much her heart and body longed for him.

“You’re up late.”

Amanda jumped and turned around. “Shit, Martin! Don’t _do_ that!”

Martin laughed lightly and sat down beside her. “What’s on your mind, Drummer Girl?”

Amanda hesitated. She wanted to lie but knew that she would get called out on it anyway, so there was really no point. But she genuinely had no idea how to put what was bothering her into words. “I… I don’t know.” Was all she managed to get out, refusing to meet Martin’s gaze, instead focusing an unreasonable amount of attention on butting out her cigarette in the dirt.

Martin was hit with a wave of confusion and something that felt kind of like hurt, only different. It was like if hurt, anger, and panic were one emotion, that’s what it would feel like. Not sure what to do, he put his arm around Amanda and gently moved her so that her head was resting on his shoulder. She felt calm for a few seconds before panic started flowing out of her, then quickly followed by complete sadness.

Martin couldn’t stand the silence when Amanda was obviously hurting, so he tried again. “Anything I can help with?”

“What do I do when you leave?” Amanda blurted out.

Martin stared at her in stunned confusion. “What... what do you mean, “when we leave”?”

Amanda started to fidget and the feeling of panic started to overwhelm her. “Like... when you decide you don’t want me around anymore.”

“I don’t understand,” Martin said slowly, “why would we not want you anymore? Who told you that?”

“You guys have no reason to keep me around, so why do you?”

Martin didn’t have to sense the anger this time, he could hear it in Amanda’s voice. But it wasn’t just anger, it was also hopelessness. Less obvious, but definitely there.

Growing increasingly more confused, Martin tried to explain it to the best of his ability. “We “keep you around” because we like you, ‘Manda. Because you’ve become part of our family. It’s not so we can feed off of your Pararibulitis, and it’s not some cruel joke. We like having you here, and as far as I can tell you like being here, so you’re here. But it’s not that we’re “keeping you around,” or just tolerating you, we just... all fit together. We’re meant to be together.”

“But what about when you decide that you don’t, you know, like me anymore?” Amanda persisted.

“What would make you think that would happen?”

“Everyone else has,” Amanda answered quietly.

A wave of sadness hit Martin again and he held Amanda closer. “We’re not most people.”

“But what about you?” Amanda asked, desperately trying to keep herself from crying, “What about when you get tired of me? The sex? Our relationship? As soon as you do I have to leave and in the process cause a shitload of problems that never would have existed if I hadn’t showed up. And what about the boys? Do they hate me now because we ended up together? Am I ripping apart your family? Changing everything for worse?”

Martin reached over and with a surprising amount of gentleness wiped a tear from Amanda’s cheek that had managed to escape. “’Manda, we love you. We _all_ love you. In our own separate crazy Rowdy ways, we love you. Nothing’s gonna change that. I get that up until this point people have been garbage, but we got you. And we ain’t giving you up for nothing. And the boys don’t hate you. They never will. Nothing that you’re doing here is ripping apart anything, and they would never think that. So be your own crazy, wild, Rowdy self because we'll still love you. On good days and bad days, we got you. On days that you want to beat the shit out of everything in sight, we got you. On days you want to bury yourself under blankets in the back of the van and never leave we still got you. There ain’t nothing you could do that would make us leave. And there ain’t nothing in this whole fucking universe that could convince us to.”

Amanda turned so that she could hug him. “Thank you, Martin.”

Martin kissed her forehead. “You gotta get out of your own head when it starts talking crazy like that. I know it ain’t easy but you can’t punish yourself for all the shit you ain’t in control of. But when it starts up, don’t be scared to talk about it. You’ve dealt with too much bullshit on your own for too long. Me an’ Cross an’ Gripps an’ Vogel are here for you. And ain’t nobody gonna hurt you under our watch, not even yourself.”

Amanda finally relaxed and rested her head on Martin’s chest. “I think… I think I just get scared that one day I’ll wake up and you guys will have left and I’ll be back at square one and I’ll have to start all over.”

Martin brushed his fingers through her hair, then moved his head so his face was closer to hers. “Don’t be scared, Drummer Girl,” he said softly.


End file.
